Drew Parritt személy
„Liz. the Fosters have a daughter.”
"Patty plays softball and can bench press two hundred and fifty pounds. Her dick is probably bigger than this guy's,"she said hooking her thumb towards Drew.
"Heeeeey,"Drew said defensively.
„Sorry, big guy. I'm sure you have a very nice dick.”
„Well, thank you. How about you and I…”
„Don't even finish that sentence,(…). I saw you sneak into the women's bathroom to fuck Jerky Jade not more than twenty minutes ago. Are you seriously flirting with me right now?”
„Jerky Jade? I thought her name was Alison.”
„You're such a man whore. Her name is Jade. She always smells like beef jerky so we call her Jerky Jade. And you stuck it to her. You stuck your penis in her meaty vagina.”
“I dated a girl once who liked to call me ‘Daddy’ in the sack. It was kind of hot until I actually met her dad. He looked like Danny Devito, but shorter and with less hair. He always smelled like farts and swiss cheese and liked to bark at hot chicks when they’d walk by him in public,” Drew tells us.
“Whoa, dude, slow your roll. You just said f-u-c-k in front of the Virgin Mary. Show some respect,” Drew scolds.
“What’s a virgin?” Gavin asks from his position standing next to me as he swings the ring bearer pillow around his head like a lasso.
“Uh, it’s a kind of chicken,” I stammer. “Very rare. No one talks about it.”
I know Billy’s pregnancy was a lot harder on her than Veronica’s. She'd been sick a lot, and Veronica was in the middle of the Rotten-Horrific-Appalling-Terrifying-Twos. No, I’m not joking. Fuck the Terrible Twos. I half expected our sweet little daughter to cut off our heads while we slept at night and feed our bodies to rabid dogs while overdosing on ring pops and Lucky Charms.
“That cat is a sweetheart. You threw her into a pile of snow. What did you expect her to do?” I ask as I make my way up the stairs and Drew trails behind me, shushing me as we go.
“We need to stop talking about her. She’s probably listening and plotting our deaths. I bet she knows thirty-five ways to kill us and make it look like an accident. They’ll find our bloody corpses, and she’ll just be sitting there, looking up at them with those big, cute Puss and Boots eyes but no one will think she’s coming to do the Devil's bidding,” Drew whispers as we walk into our room.
Vigyázat! Felnőtt tartalom.
Okay, Drew, now it’s your turn,” Dr. Madison states.
I don’t even hesitate. “I love you penis! You are the best guy ever! No, seriously. You never let me down, you’re always up when I need you to be, and I apologize for some of those issues we had back in college that required antibiotics,” I say to my penis.
I look up at Dr. Madison, quite proud of myself for being such a team player with this whole therapy nonsense.
“That was very nice, Drew. But what I really wanted you to do was talk to Jenny’s vagina,” she explains.
“No hablo SEX! Billy bad! Me want!” I complain, stomping my foot for real this time.
“Drew! What the hell is wrong with you tonight?” Jenny whispers loudly.
MY PENIS IS DYING AND MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!That’s what’s wrong with me, woman!
“But I do care. I care about how she’s doing and how she’s feeling.”
“Yeah, okay. But I’m pretty sure at this point, you care more about how she’s feeling about your penis,” Jim says.
“True story,” I agree sadly.
“So, do not use the words: bang, anal, blow job, just the tip, or it makes him smile when you kiss it,” Jim tells me.
“What the fuck am I supposed to say then? Those are all the good ones,” I complain.