Claire Morgan személy
Any moment now they were all going to join hands and sing Kumbaya to my vagina—my poor, unloved vagina that never knew the pulsating touch of a rubber penis. I'm sorry vagina, I should have taken better care of you, I guess.
„Liz. the Fosters have a daughter.”
"Patty plays softball and can bench press two hundred and fifty pounds. Her dick is probably bigger than this guy's,"she said hooking her thumb towards Drew.
"Heeeeey,"Drew said defensively.
„Sorry, big guy. I'm sure you have a very nice dick.”
„Well, thank you. How about you and I…”
„Don't even finish that sentence,(…). I saw you sneak into the women's bathroom to fuck Jerky Jade not more than twenty minutes ago. Are you seriously flirting with me right now?”
„Jerky Jade? I thought her name was Alison.”
„You're such a man whore. Her name is Jade. She always smells like beef jerky so we call her Jerky Jade. And you stuck it to her. You stuck your penis in her meaty vagina.”
Vigyázat! Felnőtt tartalom.
I ignored three calls from Liz throughout the day and one from my dad. Liz's voicemails weren't suprising.
„Stop being a dick. Call me.”
„Did you pull the stick out of your ass yet?”
„…..OH YES!Harder Jim! Oh fuck yes…”
That bitch actually butt-dialed me while she had sex with Jim.
May dad's voicemail showed just how concerned he was for my well-being.
„Did I leave my Budweiser hat at your house last week?”
Szegény, oktondi kis Liz! Gyorsan rá fog jönni, hogy mi a helyzet, amikor élete legfontosabb napján ott áll majd az oltár elõtt, a fiam pedig teljes sebességgel rohan feléje, miközben a gyūrūs párnát hozzávágja a nagyi fejéhez, és Jim bácsikájának azt kiabálja, hogy "Te vén szar!”
Találkoztam egy fiúval egy fõiskolai bulin, megvertem sörpongban, aztán hagytam, hogy elvegye a szüzességemet, és cserébe kaptam tõle egy gyereket. Nem volt valami jó üzlet, de a világ minden kincséért sem csinálnám vissza.
I swear, in my head I could hear the penis talking.
„Aaarrrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder.”
Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk. Probably because Liz calls them one-eyed snakes. And pirates wear patches and only have one eye and…holy shit, Captain Hookpenis was coming closer.
I should probably focus.
„Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick,” he said in a voice that clearly screamed, „Duh.”
I wrapped my arms around his little body and shook my head at him. „I have no idea what you're talking about, buddy.”
He let out an exasperated sigh. Poor kid. He got stuck with a dumb mother.
„Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn't do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I'd punch him in he nuts!”
„Gavin! Come on, we don't say things like that,” I scolded him.
„Fine,” he huffed. „I'd tickle him in the nuts.”
Jesus Christ on a waffle cone. There's a reason why some animals in the wild eat their young.
„I know we wondered last night if he just didn't recognize you because he was drunker than Mel Gibson when he called his wife a pig in heat, but I think it's safe to say, he really doesn't remember who you are. It’s time to face facts, Claire. Your vagina just isn’t that memorable.”
“Fuck you,” I mumbled.
“Not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”
By Thursday I had tested out every single product from Liz’s magic suitcase and decided to hell with men. I was going to marry the Jack Rabbit. We were going to run away together and would be very happy making little tiny Jack Rabbit babies together. That thing was going to have to grow some arms and legs though. After a few years of being married to JR, I was not going to be able to walk anymore. JR would have to carry me to Pleasure Town.