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Mike McCormack

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Mike McCormack: Solar Bones

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b_edina

I stood by the side of her bed, frequently at a loss as to what exactly I should do, her face glossed with sweat,skin glowing in the weak light of the bedroom and something deathly about the way this illness closed her eyes, leaving her face so unguarded it allowed me to stare at her and notive for the first time how her avian features – nose and cheekbones converging on some vanishing point ahead of her – had been further refined in her daughter's sharpness, how she had held her looks and shape into middle age so that the contours of her bodystill held close to the figure of the serious girl I'd met over twenty years ago, the girl composed of languages and foreign travel, her body with no fat on it to hinder or weigh it down and so lightly built for the job of always teetering on the first step of the next journey, always drawing her on, but now this same body was that narrow place in which a fever had taken hold with its purgative heat scourging it from the inside out and which

121. oldal

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b_edina

her suffering now spread through the house like the microclimate of a different, more rarefied realm, up and down the hall and through all its rooms, that separate latitude within which the sick thrive

122. oldal

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b_edina

that time during her first pregnancy when she carried Agnes and I saw her come into the fullness of herself as her belly grew and her skin and hair took on that aura of radiant well-being which I found irresistible and was so drawn towards, those first months passing in a liquid surge of desire which drove me headlong into the new lushness of her body, an intimacy which may have had a slight twist of something kinky to it as if being watched by the growing child inside her added some illicit tincture to what we got up to during that period when the weight and lushness of her pregnancy was so alluring it was as if the new being inside her was lending her a sheen that went deeper than her skin or her hair and was in itself pure goodness and virtue shining forth, something truly radiant about it which for a while sparked our love life with a thrilling, elevating element, charging our lovemaking with a grittier sensitivity towards each other's touch, an awaraness which, I began to interpret as an appeal that

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